Zhang Chunhua Answers Letters
by VelocityRaptor
Summary: Can't we get a female DW Character to answer letters? Here's Zhang Chunhua answering random mail. Interact via PM or Review. You can interact as ANY DW character. I went a bit too far in chapter 6
1. Robocop-ed

**Zhang Chunhua Answers Letters (Interact via PM or Review whichever you want)**

* * *

Xun Yu,

NO! I won't let you blow up Zhao! I'm not even pissed at him!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

NO MEANS NO!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

You really had to do it huh?! HUH?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Xun Yu blew up Zhao with Guo Huai's arm cannon.

Your wife

* * *

Yi,

Well I care about Zhao and you don't! You only care about Shi!

Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Fix Zhao NOW!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Just make sure he comes back looking normal!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

WTF DID XUN YU DO TO YOU?! YOU'RE A DAMN ROBOT!

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

What do you mean by "Dead or alive, you're coming with me"?! I'm your mother!

Your mother

* * *

Yi,

I just knocked out our son. Xun Yu turned him into some kind of robot.

Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

You okay?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You have number 1: armor as your skin and number 2: two full auto guns? How the hell did Xun Yu get the idea for those?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

Yes, your brother is a robot now.

Your mother

* * *

Yuanji,

Sorry about your sex life being broken to bits. Zhao no longer has a thing and he's a robot (partly)

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Yue Ying,

Help me fix my son now!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

What do you mean you're busy?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Xun Yu turned Zhao into a RoboCop whatever that means.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Fine. I'll pay you with cookies.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

Go to Yue Ying for a while. She'll fix you (or run some tests on your brain and robotic body)

Your mother

* * *

Some Persian,

No, I won't let you have my son.

-You don't need my name-

* * *

Persian,

No means NO! HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT TO PEOPLE?!

* * *

Persian King,

Shut up. I won't let you have Zhao.

-You also don't need my name-

* * *

Persian King,

THIS IS WAR!

* * *

Zhao,

I was a dick to a foreign ruler. Any ideas?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

Ask Lu Xun? Fine. If it's going to help.

Your mother

* * *

Lu Xun,

Any ideas on dealing with a foreign army?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lu Xun,

Um...Ok

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Persian King,

-attached is a bomb signed by Lu Xun-

BOOM!

* * *

Yue Ying,

You tampered with Zhao's brain?! What is wrong with you?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Don't make me come over there and make your husband's student have his way with Wang Yi. (I can't even do that)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

You want to do what?! Did Xun Yu curse you or something?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Fine. Come to my chambers. (I just want her to stop sending me mail saying "Let's bang")

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

What? No. I wasn't sleeping with Yue Ying.

Your mother

* * *

**Author's note: The idea of Sima Zhao transforming into RoboCop came from me watching RoboCop 2014 last weekend.**


	2. Xun Yu being himself

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Gan Ning,

Go home. You're drunk.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

No. I wasn't sleeping with Yue Ying.

Your mother

* * *

Yue Ying,

What happened? Why were you sending me "Let's bang" letters?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

I knew it.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

What did you do? What made you curse Yue Ying into making her send the same letter every time?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

For fun? I'll show you fun.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Who the heck is this? RoboCop? Great. And right now, you turned Zhao into one.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

RoboCop,

Um...Hi?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

How did this guy know that I murder?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

I have no idea what you just said.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Now Xun Yu cursed you?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

How do you lift this stupid curse on Wang Yi?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

I have to bang her?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

We're only doing this to lift this curse on you. Come to my chambers.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Yes. I slept with Wang Yi.

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

No! It wasn't a drunken make out session! (Apparently, it was)

Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Stop doing that curse! Do you have anything else?!

Zhang Chunhua

Xun Yu,

NO DON'T... (She couldn't sign it because Xun Yu cursed her with another letter spam curse)

* * *

Wang Yi,

Strip for me.

* * *

Lian Shi,

Strip for me.

* * *

Sun Shang Xiang,

Strip for me.

* * *

Zhao,

Thanks for getting rid of that stupid curse.

Your mother

* * *

Wang Yi, Sun Shang Xiang and Lian Shi,

What makes you think I'm a kinky goddess that can make men and women feel pleasure just by snapping my fingers? And stop calling me "Kink Goddess of Jin", "Queen of Pleasure" or even oh my god, "Great bondage goddess to end all bondage goddess". Seriously, stop it!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Gan Ning,

"Hooker to end all hookers"?! We'll see about that.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

In case why you're wondering why pirate douche is beat up, it's because he insulted me.

Zhang Chunhua


	3. Rage Issues

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Da Qiao,

That's a bit too much to ask. Go to Xun Yu.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Da Qiao,

Why to me? I can't help you. Thanks for the wine though.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Roman Emperor,

Um... Sure.

(you don't need my name.)

* * *

Yi,

You're being invited to Rome.

Chunhua

* * *

Roman Emperor,

He can't go.

* * *

Roman Emperor,

YOU ABDUCTED MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SO THAT YOUR SPARTANS CAN RAPE HER? THIS MEANS WAR!

* * *

Shi,

Where's your brother?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

He's filling the entire Wuzhang Plains with Roman blood? (I expected that was going to happen)

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

How did you kill them so damn fast?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

Zhao?

* * *

Zhao,

WTF are you holding?! It looks like a mix of your sword and Guo Huai's arm cannon. Where the hell did you get that?

Your mother

* * *

Xun Yu,

You gave my son a "Gunblade"? Anyway, grant Da Qiao's wish.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

Are you okay?

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Yuanji,

Uh oh. We better keep this between ourselves otherwise Zhao is going to be pissed.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Shi,

Zhao went to Rome with Wang Yi and Jia Chong?! (How did he know that Yuanji became pregnant via rape?)

Your mother

* * *

Yi,

Zhao is already hungry for Roman blood because of what happened to our daughter-in-law.

Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

What do you mean he's hogging all the kills? I think he just became far more vengeful than you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Well, you and Jia Chong can go home now. He can handle himself if he can massacre an entire Roman village in mere seconds.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Are you done with Da Qiao's wish?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Woah. She now looks as old as me. Anyway, don't let this thing spread.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

-Here's what's going on in Rome. (in Sima Zhao's P.O.V.)-

Leonidas,

DIE ALL OF YOU! BURN YOU F***ING PEDOPHILES! DIE LIKE THE FOUL IMBECILES YOU ALL ARE!

(it wasn't even signed due to extreme rage)

* * *

Xun Yu,

How did Sun Ce just find out about this?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Ce,

Well, your wife went to me for advice and I gave her advice.

Zhang Chunhua


	4. Stress and Stuff happens

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Um...ok. I'll work on that.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

Xiahou Dun's head is not a meatbun! It's already obvious.

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

Are you drunk or something?

Your mother

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Shi was drunk. With whom was he drinking with?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

I knew it. Thanks.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guo Jia,

Why were you making my son drink a lot?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guo Jia,

That's the worst reason ever. (Because he was born to me. That's a stupid reason)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Ok. I'll ask my husband at once.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

What kind of drinks did you give to Wang Yi anyway?

Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

My husband gave you stress relievers mixed with water.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

Back from Rome already? Why the hell are you soaked in blood? Take a shower already!

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You have a souvenir for Wang Yi? Let me see...

* * *

Wang Yi,

**(This letter came with an entire crate of Roman heads each wearing copies of Ma Chao's helmet)**

A little gift from my son.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Ma Chao,

No. I don't know how my son was able to do that. And how the f*** did you get my address?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

How does it feel to be impregnated by a foreigner?

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Yuanji,

Um...just asking.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Sun Ce,

Your wife is an old woman? XUN YU!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO?! REVERSE THE SPELL YOU PUT ON DA QIAO THIS INSTANT!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Well smack Liu Bei in the face if his color obsession is too unhealty.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

Where's your brother?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

He went with Yue Ying? Why?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

Oh. He's back to normal? And that RoboCop thing was turned into a suit of armor? Ok.

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

What have you been doing with Yue Ying? Just asking. (I'm pretty sure he's still stressed out from Romans raping Yuanji)

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You chopped Liu Bei's legs off and shaved his hair? I think you're too stressed.

Your mother

* * *

Yi,

Remember those drinks you gave to Wang Yi earlier? Give them to Zhao.

Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

Back to normal yet?

Your mother

* * *

Yi,

He took a sip and broke the glass. His current stress status is Wang Yi x 10.**  
**

Chunhua

* * *

Cai Wenji,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ZHAO SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED WHEN YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON HIM FOR A SECOND?! FIND HIM! GET HELP FROM THE OTHER WEI OFFICERS!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Yes, I had Zhao go to Cai Wenji for stress relieving.

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Well he would've killed Zhang He in a flash just by hearing his voice.

Chunhua


	5. More Rage Issues

Zhang He,

Well I told you not to speak in front of him. He's a lot more stressed than Wang Yi right now.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

WHAT THE HELL?! WHERE DOES HE GET THE FIREWORKS?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Oh. He stole them from Lu Xun.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Are those pictures of me in my bath?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

CAO CAO,

HOW MANY DIRTY PICTURES OF WOMEN DO YOU EVEN HAVE?! YOU EVEN HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR DAUGTHER-IN-LAW YOU SICK BASTARD!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Can you stop my son from burning down the castle? I'm gonna go find Cao Cao and burn down his dirty pictures of every female general in the land.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

You want to keep one of yourself? Uh...fine.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

-attached is a dirty pic of Wang Yi-

Here. So, how did stopping Zhao went?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Hello?

* * *

Wang Yi,

WHAT THE F***?! MOST OF YOUR BONES ARE BROKEN AND YOUR FACE IS EXTREMELY CUT UP! Well enjoy your dirty picture.

-it wasn't even signed-

* * *

Yi,

How many Wei/Jin officers has Zhao beaten up already?

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Everyone except Cai Wenji? At least he wouldn't harm her.

Chunhua

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Zhao is harmless when you play your music? Maybe we could exploit that and turn him into a one man superweapon.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

Good news: You don't have to be annoyed by Zhao again. Bad news: If you lay a hand on Yuanji, he might kill us all.

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

You have a crush on someone? Who is it?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

Guan Yinping? Is it because of her skirt?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

Oh. Sorry I misunderstood you.

Your mother

* * *

Xu Zhu,

You have no idea what's going on right now in Wei? Let me give you a list:

1\. Zhao is extremely stressed (a lot more than Wang Yi) and only Cai Wenji can actually get close to him.

Oh wait...That's it. Just one.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Ma Chao,

I'm pretty sure you're drunk right now. You would never send a love letter to someone who hates you so much.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Ma Dai,

You saw Ma Chao drink with Zhou Tai, Jia Xu and Deng Ai? No wonder. Who provided the drinks?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Ma Dai,

Yep. The Shu drunkard got them.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

He was drunk that time. He wouldn't actually love you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

How's living with Cai Wenji?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

Oh. Good.

Your mother


	6. Dirty Stuff happens

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Yuanji,

Well, you can approach Zhao just make sure no one blares out any music that drowns Cai Wenji's harp music.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Sun Shang Xiang

What did you send to Zhao? I'll go check it out. (It better cheer him up)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Shang Xiang,

WTF?! THAT'S THE F***ING WORST MUSIC I HAVE EVER HEARD!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Shang Xiang,

Didn't I tell everyone not to send any music to Zhao?! He prefers Cai Wenji's music since it prevents further stress.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Shang Xiang,

Where did you get the stupid boombox with Bieber songs in it?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Where did you get the boombox? Sun Shang Xiang told me she got it from you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Wait what?

(she forgot to sign it)

* * *

Guo Jia,

You made the Bieber boombox? WTF?!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guo Jia,

You don't know who I am? I'm Sima Yi's wife.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

You want to do what?! Fine. Just make sure no one is in your room tonight.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Well just make sure you invite only Lian Shi or Wang Yi.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

WHAT?! CAO CAO GOT A PICTURE OF ME DOING "YOU KNOW WHAT" WITH YUE YING AND LIAN SHI?! HE'S SO GONNA GET THE ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT AFTER THIS.

Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Where's that picture of me having lezing out with Yue Ying and Lian Shi? TELL ME NOW!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

I'm going to have to discuss with your son regarding your punishment.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Pi,

I'm not a homosexual person! I only did it because I had nothing else to do.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Pi,

Well, I've got two: Getting whipped by EVERY female general in the land or simply have Zhao kick his ass this time with Xu Zhu's club.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Pi,

Fine. If it floats your boat.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

I ain't going to send you medicine. You totally deserve those scars for being a complete pervert.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lu Lingqi,

Well you could just treat Diao Chan like your mother. Right?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lu Bu,

Have you ever considered marrying Diao Chan? Your daughter has bit of a crisis.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lu Bu,

Well let me explain who I am: I was arranged to marry Sima Yi, who served mostly Cao Pi who is Cao Cao's son. Now do you get who I am?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lu Bu,

I have two sons (one Phantom of the Opera guy and one Jerser Shore rip off. OMG. I hope Zhao doesn't see this.). Does it look like I'm a virgin?

Zhang Chunhua


	7. Shu being annoying

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Spartan,

I suggest you leave. My son is still pissed at your people.

* * *

You're not Spartans? What are you talking about?

* * *

Octopus,

This is your name?

* * *

Octavius,

Now?

* * *

Octavius,

Ok. Now, I still suggest you leave because your "centurions" or whatever raped my daughter-in-law. Seriously.

* * *

Octavius,

Seriously, stop sending mail to me that I will go there!

* * *

Wang Yi,

Want some stress relievers? Some guy in armor with a red cape is here and he looks like Ma Chao. Kill him so that he won't bother me anymore.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Ugh. Fine. Just this once.

Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

What?! The baby is born? Whatever. Just send him/her over to Guo Jia.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Zhao,

No, you're not going to kill the baby.

Your mother

* * *

Damn it Zhao,

Have you really become this ruthless? You're going to kill an innocent infant? Now you really are pissed off.

(it wasn't even signed)

* * *

Guan Suo,

Your wife has filled my mailbox with mail about cats. Mind if you get her a therapist?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guan Suo,

I am not a therapist. That's gay man's (Zhang He's) job.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guan Suo,

(attached is a picture of Zhang Chunhua and Zhang He)

Does it looked like we're related?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guan Suo,

Well, Zhang He would've been naked and beaten by now if Zhao was one of his patients. I had my son stay with Cai Wenji for a while.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Damn it Guan Suo!

Cai Wenji is two years older than his father! Does it look like he's going to fall for her?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Why are you complaining to me about your wife's age? Go to Xun Yu or something.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

You're looking for Liu Shan? I haven't seen him.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Seriously. I didn't see him. Have you considered triple checking your territory?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Woah! Are you trying to abuse your spouse?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Well if you can't find him then, you have to replace him. Maybe Guan Ping?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Liu Shan,

Oh finally. Where were you? Your spouse was looking for you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Liu Shan,

Since when did you learn those words? We're you eavesdropping on Xing Cai when trying to get away from her? (I know my rivals/enemies' lives. I feel so accoplished)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Liu Shan,

You're letting it slip? I have never in my life met someone who would let his own spouse make out with another man.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Well, Liu Shan kind of divorced you so, you can continue your thing with Guan Ping.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

No. I'm not going to divorce you.

Chunhua


	8. Dirty Stuff happens again

Jia Chong,

Wait what? Did they give you a vagina or something?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

I see you have an excuse. I can't actually help you out right now.

Your mother

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Didn't I tell you not to leave any alcoholic drinks near him?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

DAMN IT CAO CAO!

NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ADD YUANJI TO YOUR DAMN HAREM!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Nu Wa,

(sarcasm) Haha. Very funny.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Susano'o,

As if Orochi is going to answer back with words. I know!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Jia Chong,

Did you get a vagina?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Jia Chong,

Well, I've got the perfect solution for you!

(It wasn't even signed)

* * *

Xun Yu,

Get rid of that vag on Jia Chong now!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

I don't care if you need to pass it on to someone else! Oh wait! Send the vag over to Zhang He. (Mwahahahahaha)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

WTF? How did this happen?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Guo Jia,

(attached was the pregnancy letter forged by Guo Jia)

Nice try.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Well, you got them drunk during your latest feast so, screw you. Who took the picture anyway?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Was taking that photo really necessary?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Wang Yi,

Yeah right.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

You bored? Rape me.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

I'm serious! I'm bored and I gotta do something interesting.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Nah. Come to my chambers instead.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Xun Yu took your husband's thing? I...I can't actually help you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

WTF?! Where did you get a freaking sweetroll?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Xun Yu spat it out when he gave Zhuge Liang his thing back? That's just gross.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Crap! It's my husband! Hide!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Yes m'lord?

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Um...It's just me.

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Oh alright. Let me undress.

Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

You have a painting of me and my husband getting it on? Gimme one!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

I don't actually care about him getting embarrassed. Speaking of which, I'll go check on Zhao.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

You're best friend is no longer pregnant. Zhang He is.

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

Since when did you become Predator?

Your mother


	9. Impregnated again

Cao Pi,

No, you may not.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhang He,

I really don't care about what's going on about you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

WTF?! Didn't I tell you not to lay a hand on your sister-in-law? Or even impregnate her?

Your mother

* * *

Yue Ying,

I'm kinda busy for a one night stand. Zhao is trying to kill Shi for impregnating Yuanji.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xiao Qiao,

If I were you, I'd go to Xun Yu. Also, Miss Boobie Lady? Seriously?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Refer to the letter I sent to Yue Ying.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

Get rid of Yuanji's pregnancy NOW!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

You want one of my dirty photos? Fine.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

(attached is a dirty photo of Zhang Chunhua)

Now?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

You're no longer pregnant.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Zhao,

You can stop acting like a madman. Yuanji's not pregnant now.

Your mother

* * *

Yue Ying,

Ok. I got rid of my daughter-in-law's pregnancy so we can have a one night stand.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Why are we in a strip club run by Diao Chan again?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yue Ying,

Meh. I suppose that would be fine.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Oh wait, you're not joking. But screw it. You'll have to deal with your problems by yourself.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

You seriously did that to Zhang He and Guo Jia? What happened to you?

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Now you're trying to blow Zhao? I don't think he would like or even want that. His stress problem is still a pain in everyone's ass right now.

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

What happened? You're on the ground screaming every ten seconds.

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Zhao kicked you in your thing? And it's broken? Looks like sexless nights for us. (Good news is I get to gossip a lot more with Yue Ying!)

Chunhua

* * *

Liu Shan,

Now Zhao broke yours?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Liu Shan,

Now you're divorcing Xing Cai for real?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xing Cai,

Well, now you should replace him with Guan Ping. Or even marry him.

Zhang Chunhua


	10. A Stupid Idea and a Survey

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Yi,

Well, you can come back if you're bored.

Chunhua

* * *

Orochi,

Screw you. Send your mail to Lu Bu or something.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

How is getting intimate with your wife AND your best friend supposed to relieve you of stress? Anyway, I have no idea.

Your mother

* * *

Susano'o,

Can't you get that guy to reverse the spell him/herself?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Susano'o,

He's not responding to your requests? I'll send him mail myself.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Taigong Wang,

Mind if you get rid of the spell on my son? He's still stressed from...foreign matters.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Taigong Wang,

You also want a dirty picture of me? Fine.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Taigong Wang,

(Attached is a picture of Zhang Chunhua in the shower which she stole from Sima Yi)

Now?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

There, you're not pregnant anymore.

Your mother

P.S. OH CRAP! I FORGOT ABOUT JIA CHONG!

* * *

Yuanji,

The baby is Zhao's? I knew it.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Cao Cao,

Why the hell are you giving me a survey?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Cao Cao,

Fine, I'll answer it.

* * *

**Survey:**

**1\. Is your husband gay for Zhang He?  
No.**

**2\. Do you consider Sun Ce and Zhou Yu pedophiles?  
Kind of.**

** you consider your son, Zhao a pedophile?  
NO!**

**4\. Would you arrange your other son, Shi's marriage?  
He's a grown man. He can marry whoever girl he wants.**

**5\. Out of every female, whom would you think he would marry?  
Guan Yu's daughter. I guess.**

**6\. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?  
What?**

**7\. Sima Zhao murders 50 Roman Centurions everyday. How many would he have killed in a week?  
350**

**8\. Does Zhou Tai have a thing for Lian Shi?  
No.**

**9\. Do the Harlem Shake!  
SCREW THIS S*****

* * *

Shi,

Oh crap. Zhao saw the survey. He's probably hunting down Cao Cao right now.

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You kicked Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan in the nuts and then you simply hissed at Dian Wei and Xu Zhu which sent them off running?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

Oh good. Cai Wenji is taking care of you again.

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

I'm pretty sure the cause of Zhang He lying naked on the ground all beaten up is him pissing off Zhao with his feminine-ish voice.

Your mother


	11. Randomness

Xiao Qiao,

I'd rather send these to Li Dian.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Orochi,

Well, get someone from your land to do it.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

(this letter is crumpled)

DAMN IT CAO CAO!

NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ADD ME IN YOUR HAREM!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

How did this end up in my mail? And are you really gay for Cao Pi?

Your mother

* * *

Yi,

Blame Xun Yu for that.

Chunhua

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Ok. But can't you get your wife something to draw on? You know Ma Dai from Shu has a lot.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

WTF?! XUN YU!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

(attached are five pictures of Zhang Chunhua in a swimsuit)

Turn Zhao back NOW! Here's more dirty photos of me.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

You only wanted one?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

You want dirty photos of me?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

What kind of adult doesn't want dirty photos? What's wrong with you?

(it wasn't even signed)

* * *

Zhao,

You kicked Cao Pi in his thing? How did you get that mail I got from your brother?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

I suppose you just plain dislike gay people, huh?

Your mother

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Make sure Zhang He or Li Dian is not seen by Zhao. he'll kick their asses just for that.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xiao Qiao,

No, I don't want your drawing of my husband getting intimate with Zhuge Liang. It doesn't even make sense!

Zhang Chunhua


	12. More Randomness

Shi,

You do realize that your (still stressed out) brother has grown a hatred for gay people, right?

Your mother

* * *

Cao Pi,

No. I don't want to be in a harem.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

You're in Zhuge Liang's body? Xun Yu!

Chunhua

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

(sarcasm) Haha. Very funny.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

No. Zhao is NOT gay. He hates them.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Lian Shi,

Are you trying to make a pun out of my name? Anyway, I'll work on your reason later.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Orochi,

How did this end up in my mail? And YOU'RE making a pun out of my name now?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Da Qiao,

Meh. That's okay.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

Are you really cheating on your wife?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

Yaoi of you and Zhou Tai? No wonder.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Lian Shi,

You're okay. He wasn't cheating on you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

REVERSE THE SPELL ON MY HUSBAND AND ZHUGE LIANG NOW!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

For the last time, ZHAO. IS. NOT. GAY!

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Zhang He,

You blowed my son? That's it. (I'm getting Zhao)

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhang He,

We are NOT related.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

Get rid of Zhang He please.

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You wrestled him to death?

Your mother

* * *

Zhao,

You don't have to tell me what you did to him. (Burning Hammer? Piledriver? Leaping Pancake? WTF)

(she forgot to sign it)

* * *

Xun Yu,

You revived Zhang He? I wanted him dead! And now, he can mind control people?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

WHAT?! He took over Wei and Jin and mind controlled everyone except me, you, Wang Yi and Cai Wenji? It's time we actually turned your anger and wrath (wait, those are technically the same) into a superweapon.

Your mother

* * *

**I got the wrestling moves from "Wrestling Revolution" by MDickie. It's an iPad and iPhone app. I don't own it.**


	13. Shortened Like a

Orochi,

I'll get you a new mailman later.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

Well, do you have a plan?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

You don't have to kill them, right?

Your mother

* * *

Sun Quan,

Gan Ning got himself captured? Really now?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

I've got two more plans: Distract them with Cai Wenji and your brother or, just send Zhao and Wang Yi to come charging in like crazed madmen.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

Oh right. Your brother is not so distracting.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

It worked. Zhao has brought down all that s*** regarding Zhang He.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhang He,

I've got a new job for you.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Orochi,

Here's Zhang He. You can use him as a new delivery guy.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Orochi,

"Gay s***", "Zhang Gay", it doesn't matter what you call him.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

Wei and Jin are back to normal, any news from your progress?

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Quan,

None? So much for returning to our daily routines.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

**Since I feel so lazy today this is all for now.**


	14. Back with a Surprise!

Orochi,

You seriously never heard of the word "gay"? Let me explain: Being gay means a man in love with someone else who's the same gender.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

ZHAO IS NOT GAY!

Chunhua

* * *

Yi,

Well, stop being like that and get someone else for Shi.

Chunhua

* * *

Yuanji,

How's Zhao with Cai Wenji?

Your mother-in-law

* * *

Yuanji,

Zhao's been drinking nothing but water? Good.

Your mother-in-law

* * *

"Xandred"?

Who are you?

You don't need my name.

Some woman,

I AM HERE TO FLOOD THIS PLACE WITH THE WATERS OF THE SANZU RIVER!

Xandred

* * *

Xandred,

Well, you're a demon so...time for an exorcism!

Same woman,

FOOL! I AM A NIGHLOK. NOT A DEMON FROM HELL!

Xandred

* * *

Zhao,

There's some demon (or "nighlok") samurai thing that's trying to be a dick to everyone. Want some stress relievers?

Your mother

* * *

Xandred,

What kind of foot soldiers do you have? My son is unarmed and they kicked your demon guys' sorry behinds.

Woman,

BAH! I'LL JUST GET DEKER TO DEAL WITH YOUR SON!

Xandred

* * *

Xun Yu,

Get rid of these nighlok things now!

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xun Yu,

(attached is a picture of Zhang Chunhua with rated-M content in it)

Must I always pay you with dirty pics of me?!

Zhang Chunhua

Zhang Chunhua,

Yes, yes you should.

Xun Yu

* * *

**This chapter is basically a crossover of DW and PR: Samurai. I grew up as a Power Rangers fan myself. This idea came to me when I looking at Power Rangers fanfictions here.**


	15. Short chap LOCKS!

**Chapter 15**

**OFF MY LAZY ARSE!**

* * *

Orochi,

Well, good for you. Xandred and his "Nighlok" are a pain in the ass.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

Just call me Lady Zhang. And why are you talking about this to me? Go to Xun Yu.

Zhang Chunhua

P.S. You're just mean. I should tell this to your sister.

* * *

Shi,

WHAT IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO THIS TIME?!

Your mother

* * *

Xiahou Xiuying,

I have no idea who you are. And since when did Xiahou Dun have a niece? Anyway, let me try this drink.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Xiahou Xiuying,

Meh. The drink was fine.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Shi,

Zhao caught you throwing pictures of him and Yuanji in a fireplace? What in the world have you been thinking?!

Your mother

Mother,

I was out camping with Guo Jia and Deng Ai when I found out I forgot to bring firewood so...I burned those pictures instead.

Shi

* * *

Shi,

Where did you even get those pictures?

Your mother

* * *

Shi,

ZHAO'S. PERSONAL. STASH?! You've gotta be kidding. Even I couldn't unlock it.

Your mother

Mother,

The lock was a Class A Cerberus Silver Lock. It's so rare it makes Golden Pandas feel like common soil by comparison. To unlock it, some Greek password must be inputted.

Shi

Shi,

And what did you do? How did you crack the code?

Your mother.

Mother,

I...used Xiahou Ba's siege spear.

Shi.

* * *

Yi,

Remember that lock you gave to Zhao?

Chunhua

Chunhua,

Uh...Yes. Why? Did he break it?

Yi

Yi,

Shi destroyed it and it turns out to be Greek.

Chunhua

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Have you been doing your job? You're supposed to be making sure Zhao doesn't go Mr. Hyde.

Zhang Chunhua

Lady Zhang,

My apologies. Yue Jin has been paying way too much attention to me. It's making me uncomfortable.

Cai Wenji

Cai Wenji,

I think he liiiiiiikes you.

Zhang Chunhua

Lady Zhang,

Why would you say that?

Cai Wenji

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Oh come on. People like to put you and Yue Jin together. It's even better than you and Cao Cao if you ask me.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Sun Jian,

Sheesh. I thought you died. Anyway, your wife is not a generic anymore? That's...odd.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhao,

I'm not so sure if I can replace the Cerberus lock. If you like, there's Class A Anubis Puzzle Locks.

Your mother.

Mother,

That's too rare. I have to replace the lock NOW.

Zhao

Zhao,

Class B Tarantula Multi Pad Lock?

Your mother

Mother,

Too hard to maintain.

Zhao

Zhao,

Class A Beetle Tranq Sting PIN Lock?

Your mother

Mother,

That could work but it might tranquilize me.

Zhao.

* * *

(49 world-class locks later...)

Zhao,

Class G Revenant King Nordic Puzzle Lock?

(couldn't sign since she's almost out of ink)

Mother,

PERFECT!

Zhao


End file.
